Introductions
There has been a lot going on in my life. So many things I've had issues with have either gone away, or finally have been resolved.
I gave some thought to what I need to do to try to kill the drama in my day-to-day life. I figured it was Facebook, and the need to write things. I suck at hand writing journal stuff, so I use facebook. Although, facebook is not a journal, and people aren't me. It's hard to explain my thoughts sometimes. Being bipolar is a weird thing. Having PTSD is another weired thing. Having anxiety issues and stress is another. Yet, I am not as bad as many others. I have been diagnosed bipolar type 1 since I was 10 years old. I was so lucky to be diagnosed early. My mom is an LCSW and has a therapy degree for working with kids. So I was super lucky, and it's so hard to explain why I feel angry about it, yet so happy. Not many people get an early diagnosis, let alone early medication. In 2000, mental health was still seen as a taboo subject. When I was finally put on meds in 2001, I was on an early trial of Abilify. Yea, it was a wonder-drug. Still it didn't work for me at that age. I had no idea what bipolar was, but I knew I was different. Mom hadn't really told me I was bipolar. Honestly, at this point I lean with her on the Aspergerstheory. I sucked at socializing and I still do, oh so much. I don't understand social ques for the life of me, and even though I try so hard, I just can't. I am now 27 and I seem to be a bit better, well A LOT better. I love talking about my bipolar, I love talking and helping people understanding it. I want to help people who are just now being diagnosed and I would LOOOOOOVE to help people come to terms with it. I want people to understand that the "mental health" thing is ok. No, it isn't contagious. Yes, it can be genetic. No, I can make my own decisions, and I am not mentally incapacitated. No, I don't like being soft in my language about my disorder, well because being clear and solid in my descriptions is important to me. For example, isn't easy if you are trying to describe the texture of something in the room when you are trying to describe the intend color or smell or the soil that comes with the flower that I am trying to talk about. If you don't understand that sentence I think I made my point.
Lately, the world is getting harder for me to process. SOOOO much harder to process. Where if I think about something and look at it from various angles I can understand it. Now, I have to understand social words and ques to understand why it is there, not just understanding that it exists. here is a way for me to explain. I walk into a room, there is a cardboard box 3ft x 3ft x 3ft. It is there and see it. I know its the same side all around because its is a box and I can see it. Now throw in another person in the room, they are kicking the box around. My brain now has to understand why they are kicking the box, let alone process the motion of the box and listen to them yelling at the box. Like "why are you here? why is the box purple? why are you in this room?" When you have situations like that, and you are in my shoes, I for some stupid reason am trying to process the kicker and the box. I can't even start on the dialogue, I just feel angry because they are kicking the box and they are angry at it. It doesn't make sense to me and I get angry because I can't make sense of it.
See?
On top of all of that my emotions are how I see the world. Being bipolar has a strong case of that. Where some process the world with fact and learned logic and behaviours, I just feel. I don't understand on how to fix it, but I just try to put my emotions in the background as I try to understand the logic side.
I have a Spock side and a Kirk side. One goes off pride and emotions and what is right and what is wrong. The other, works of how it looks, what can be done about it, and is rather cold on processing.
Ok, I think that is enough rambling on for now.
I am sorry if this post squirreled too badly, that's just how I write and how I try to talk. Hopefully this blog will help me on making that better.
I gave some thought to what I need to do to try to kill the drama in my day-to-day life. I figured it was Facebook, and the need to write things. I suck at hand writing journal stuff, so I use facebook. Although, facebook is not a journal, and people aren't me. It's hard to explain my thoughts sometimes. Being bipolar is a weird thing. Having PTSD is another weired thing. Having anxiety issues and stress is another. Yet, I am not as bad as many others. I have been diagnosed bipolar type 1 since I was 10 years old. I was so lucky to be diagnosed early. My mom is an LCSW and has a therapy degree for working with kids. So I was super lucky, and it's so hard to explain why I feel angry about it, yet so happy. Not many people get an early diagnosis, let alone early medication. In 2000, mental health was still seen as a taboo subject. When I was finally put on meds in 2001, I was on an early trial of Abilify. Yea, it was a wonder-drug. Still it didn't work for me at that age. I had no idea what bipolar was, but I knew I was different. Mom hadn't really told me I was bipolar. Honestly, at this point I lean with her on the Aspergerstheory. I sucked at socializing and I still do, oh so much. I don't understand social ques for the life of me, and even though I try so hard, I just can't. I am now 27 and I seem to be a bit better, well A LOT better. I love talking about my bipolar, I love talking and helping people understanding it. I want to help people who are just now being diagnosed and I would LOOOOOOVE to help people come to terms with it. I want people to understand that the "mental health" thing is ok. No, it isn't contagious. Yes, it can be genetic. No, I can make my own decisions, and I am not mentally incapacitated. No, I don't like being soft in my language about my disorder, well because being clear and solid in my descriptions is important to me. For example, isn't easy if you are trying to describe the texture of something in the room when you are trying to describe the intend color or smell or the soil that comes with the flower that I am trying to talk about. If you don't understand that sentence I think I made my point.
Lately, the world is getting harder for me to process. SOOOO much harder to process. Where if I think about something and look at it from various angles I can understand it. Now, I have to understand social words and ques to understand why it is there, not just understanding that it exists. here is a way for me to explain. I walk into a room, there is a cardboard box 3ft x 3ft x 3ft. It is there and see it. I know its the same side all around because its is a box and I can see it. Now throw in another person in the room, they are kicking the box around. My brain now has to understand why they are kicking the box, let alone process the motion of the box and listen to them yelling at the box. Like "why are you here? why is the box purple? why are you in this room?" When you have situations like that, and you are in my shoes, I for some stupid reason am trying to process the kicker and the box. I can't even start on the dialogue, I just feel angry because they are kicking the box and they are angry at it. It doesn't make sense to me and I get angry because I can't make sense of it.
See?
On top of all of that my emotions are how I see the world. Being bipolar has a strong case of that. Where some process the world with fact and learned logic and behaviours, I just feel. I don't understand on how to fix it, but I just try to put my emotions in the background as I try to understand the logic side.
I have a Spock side and a Kirk side. One goes off pride and emotions and what is right and what is wrong. The other, works of how it looks, what can be done about it, and is rather cold on processing.
Ok, I think that is enough rambling on for now.
I am sorry if this post squirreled too badly, that's just how I write and how I try to talk. Hopefully this blog will help me on making that better.
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