Beauty of the Manic Girl
Ok, as a Bipolar type 1, I have more highs than lows. My highs are called "manic episodes," and the points before manic episodes is called "hypo-mania." So let me be honest, I LOVE the hypo-manic moments. I can't tell you how much I love them because I can get things done. It is a burst of energy that can be harnessed for focus and to do good, yet so much bad. So to get into the hypo-mania let's break it into two scenarios. One of good, and one of bad.
GOOD:
I tend to be in a great mood. I wake up, or just start to feel good. I can see the world like it's mine, and I can control it. It's like being a god, but without the stupid feeling of superiority and "you owe me one" feeling. I look around my room and say "I bet I could make this look better." So I end up cleaning my room, doing my laundry, thinking about what do I want for dinner. I also might feel creative, and end up on finding a craft or go on a walk and do some serious day dreaming. I have all of that, but I won't have a crash of moods that involving me getting sad and angry.
BAD:
I get bored. BORED is very VERY bad. That tends to lead to destructive behaviours. Now most of mine aren't really "that bad" but they are in the long term. I will go on dating sites and look for people to meet (not trying to find a relationship) the new feeling of making a new friend feels so good and even better at that point. I might go out shopping, and that's bad if I didn't stick to my budget. I might come up with a weird idea, or theory and talk about it to everyone. NOW THERE is something. Talking. I will end up talking to everyone and come across as condescending and enjoy it. Because I have the "I am a god and I am right" feeling. During these particular forms of hypo mania I probably will switch into mania the next day.
Mania is honestly my worst enemy in my head, but it doesn't feel like that when I'm in it. I am happy, I am bubbly, I talk too much, I over think an analyze everything, I think (and talk) in circles and make no sense to those around me except the ones inside of me. Yea, INSIDE of me. Towards the end of the manic episode, there is a point where I can save myself from the fall into the dark hole of depression and my mind. This small grab and swing and leap to safety. That landing (if I can make it) saves my ass and brings me back to a level of "normal" and my natural behaviour. NOW if I miss that grab or don't stick that landing, one of two things happen. So lets talk about it.
I miss the "grab" all together.:
I just free fall. Well, just in my head. Everything just feels dark, and cold. I feel like people are looking at me with judging eyes, and I feel way over self aware. I will over think now, not of every possible situation, but every social interaction. I will then beat my head against the walls of my own mind. "why was I so stupid?" "why did I say that? I looked like an idiot." Those will lead me to this conclusion "I just shouldn't talk to people, I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to lash out, it's not their fault. I just am useless, and just taking up space." At this point, when I hit that last thought, the hallucinations will probably start. They can be crazy demons that I know aren't real and are more of an annoyance that scare me if I turn a corner too fast. The ones that are the worst, the most dangerous ones, are the things that can be real. Like me walking down the street, seeing someone that in the past hurt me. Like that one (ex) friend who yelled at you for no reason and made you cry. That one person you said something rude and super nasty thing to online, or wherever when you were hypo-manic or just manic. I think the worst one is when you hear the words of your abuser and they reflect and come from your memories. You can feel his presence, sometimes see him across the street, and hear his voice as a narrative to why you are such a horrible person. This is what I go through most times, and I think this is the kind of thing that leads to suicide in many people, and why I've attempted in the past. That's just a thought. Maybe that's my personal issue, maybe not.
IF I make the grab, the swing, the leap, and STICK that landing:
I can get away with just being a bit angry, but most of it leads to going though the next few days, knowing I was a bit too up, and I should avoid whatever put me there in the first place. I look around me and see the aftermath of whatever good or bad happened when I was manic or hypo manic. I start fixing whatever is wrong, and make the good things better.
That is the beauty of the manic girl. That's the good and the bad of my ups and the dawn of the downs.
GOOD:
I tend to be in a great mood. I wake up, or just start to feel good. I can see the world like it's mine, and I can control it. It's like being a god, but without the stupid feeling of superiority and "you owe me one" feeling. I look around my room and say "I bet I could make this look better." So I end up cleaning my room, doing my laundry, thinking about what do I want for dinner. I also might feel creative, and end up on finding a craft or go on a walk and do some serious day dreaming. I have all of that, but I won't have a crash of moods that involving me getting sad and angry.
BAD:
I get bored. BORED is very VERY bad. That tends to lead to destructive behaviours. Now most of mine aren't really "that bad" but they are in the long term. I will go on dating sites and look for people to meet (not trying to find a relationship) the new feeling of making a new friend feels so good and even better at that point. I might go out shopping, and that's bad if I didn't stick to my budget. I might come up with a weird idea, or theory and talk about it to everyone. NOW THERE is something. Talking. I will end up talking to everyone and come across as condescending and enjoy it. Because I have the "I am a god and I am right" feeling. During these particular forms of hypo mania I probably will switch into mania the next day.
Mania is honestly my worst enemy in my head, but it doesn't feel like that when I'm in it. I am happy, I am bubbly, I talk too much, I over think an analyze everything, I think (and talk) in circles and make no sense to those around me except the ones inside of me. Yea, INSIDE of me. Towards the end of the manic episode, there is a point where I can save myself from the fall into the dark hole of depression and my mind. This small grab and swing and leap to safety. That landing (if I can make it) saves my ass and brings me back to a level of "normal" and my natural behaviour. NOW if I miss that grab or don't stick that landing, one of two things happen. So lets talk about it.
I miss the "grab" all together.:
I just free fall. Well, just in my head. Everything just feels dark, and cold. I feel like people are looking at me with judging eyes, and I feel way over self aware. I will over think now, not of every possible situation, but every social interaction. I will then beat my head against the walls of my own mind. "why was I so stupid?" "why did I say that? I looked like an idiot." Those will lead me to this conclusion "I just shouldn't talk to people, I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to lash out, it's not their fault. I just am useless, and just taking up space." At this point, when I hit that last thought, the hallucinations will probably start. They can be crazy demons that I know aren't real and are more of an annoyance that scare me if I turn a corner too fast. The ones that are the worst, the most dangerous ones, are the things that can be real. Like me walking down the street, seeing someone that in the past hurt me. Like that one (ex) friend who yelled at you for no reason and made you cry. That one person you said something rude and super nasty thing to online, or wherever when you were hypo-manic or just manic. I think the worst one is when you hear the words of your abuser and they reflect and come from your memories. You can feel his presence, sometimes see him across the street, and hear his voice as a narrative to why you are such a horrible person. This is what I go through most times, and I think this is the kind of thing that leads to suicide in many people, and why I've attempted in the past. That's just a thought. Maybe that's my personal issue, maybe not.
IF I make the grab, the swing, the leap, and STICK that landing:
I can get away with just being a bit angry, but most of it leads to going though the next few days, knowing I was a bit too up, and I should avoid whatever put me there in the first place. I look around me and see the aftermath of whatever good or bad happened when I was manic or hypo manic. I start fixing whatever is wrong, and make the good things better.
That is the beauty of the manic girl. That's the good and the bad of my ups and the dawn of the downs.
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